At times i wonder whether he was actually at any of the games - but then again I don't think it matters because he is quite funny!!!!

After a more than credible draw against the Dorchester Reserves where stand in ‘keeper Chapman took all the plaudits as well as all the pies, it was another reserve side that posed the next opposition as Hamworthy United’s second string rolled up at the Stad on a bright spring afternoon.

Yet again, the gaffer was forced into making some changes due to absentees as Cobham looked to maintain their unbeaten run that has been carrying on for more games than Mawesy can remember/count. Firstly, Chapman got evicted from between the sticks as Higgy the Hippie returned. He reverted back to his favoured position of centre back along side Matty the Shank and Rob Cotton. This then pushed Tucks into the middle of the park to fill the whole left by Scott who was on a stag weekend. The rest of the team remained from the side that took to the pitch at the Avenue, Mez and Jude in the middle, Gunnsey and Vucks on the wings with Temps and Chris ‘How many games haven’t we lost for?’ Mawer the marksmen. G, for the umpteenth time put himself on the bench with the fresh into puberty pairing of Asbo and Perry.

Cobham started without much of the passion, desire or aggression that G had previously had the team playing with. They seemed void of anything that vaguely resembled a will to win; as a result the Hammers took advantage like CJ with a schoolgirl at a house party. Cobham failed to properly clear their lines and the ball fell to a Hammer’s striker who darted into the box past the flat-footed Allen and shaped to shoot. Somehow Allen got back to make a tackle but the striker was too fleet of foot for the Cobham sweeper and promptly went down under the clumsy tackle Matt put in that was later than he arrives at the match every week. PENALTY!!! With only 3 minutes on the clock.

Up stepped one of the BTC’s from the Hammers ranks, JJ. He confidently stepped up and drilled the ball into the top left-hand corner of the goal leaving the longhaired lover from the Stad with no chance. 1-0.

This acted as a catalyst for the home side who then remembered how to play football. With Mez inspirational, desperate to impress or have an impact against his former club. JJ acting up to his BTC status and cheating, left Gunny with all the time in the world to exploit the space in behind and work his legendary magic, an invitation he graciously accepted.

It was down the right that the next talking point arose. The ball was knocked into Tempany who had drifted to the right hand side. As he controlled the ball his marker hit him with great force from behind and he crumpled to the floor clutching his already strapped right knee. As the physio ran on, he reluctantly signalled to the bench that he wouldn’t be able to continue. G, took this as a sign from God to take to the field and did so. As a result, Cobham became the first team in DPL history to have famous television stars working alongside each other upfront, yes, tonight Matthew, Mawsey and G were – the Mitchell brothers!! Lets hope they can torment and bully the Hamworthy back line like they used to Walford. Surely it couldn’t be long until Cobham were back into the game . . . .

The match was well balanced, until that is JJ decided to take the game by the scruff of the neck and increase Hamworthy’s lead. He dropped short into unchatered territory, and at the risk of a nose bleed, picked up the ball on the edge of his own box and set off for goal. But the BTC hadn’t reckoned on one thing, Mawer. He saw that JJ, although skilful, was built in such a way he looked as though he could blow away in the next wind and seized his chance. He easily brushed the midfielder off the ball and laid it back to the onrushing Law who, 20 yards out, took a touch and drilled in low into the bottom corner past the despairing dive of ‘Hamworthy’s number 1’. 1-1. Cobham were back in it and still the best part of an hour to go.

The referee was the bain of both sides for most of the match for never using/listening to his assistants and insisting on stopping play for every petty little thing he thought he saw, yet failing to see the most obvious and cynical of tackles. He was in the spotlight no more so than when Mawer entered the box. He ran at pace at the full back and was clipped as he turned to go at goal and Cobham’s leading scorer went sprawling. The linesman was flagging furiously for the penalty and the referee blew his whistle sharply, everyone in the Cobham ranks was celebrating and the Hamworthy lot were distraught. Yet, bizarrely, the referee gave a free kick to the side from the County Ground for offside of all things, no penalty. Scandalous. That was it as far as action went for the first half. The only other moments of note were a few sliced clearances from the Cobham sweeper, a few poor and over hit freekicks from the same player. Finally a ‘taxi’ moment for the Hamworthy ‘keeper as he let an innocuous back pass creep under his foot and to his relief out for a corner, not into the back of the net. HT 1-1
The second half started in much the same fashion. The ding dong battle’s were continuing. With Vucks and his ‘bitch’ on the Cobham left, as well as the carthorses Merrell and Dick in the middle of the park. They were the main attraction, unless you’d come to see Allen’s comical display of his ‘range’ of passing (the range consisted of either out of play or to a member of the oppostiton). Tackles were flying in and the referee was missing them yet if someone looked in a way at a member of the opposition that displeased him, the referee gave a free kick. The frustration built and built yet surprisingly didn’t explode. Merrell went close with a bullet header that Hutch did well to hold, yet now claims he could’ve ‘span it on his finger’. Whilst at the other end, Cotton was his usual dominating self and Chapman coped well with everything that was thrown his way.*

Then disaster struck, Matty the Shank saw JJ in the first half and wanted to show him how it was done so tried to over play on the edge of his own box. Except Allen didn’t learn from the first half, and was dispossessed by Baguley who ran into the box to finish past the Cobham goalie. 2-1.

Now things started to boil over which included a booking for the Cobham skipper after expressing his displeasure to the over zealous linesman. Although the truth hurts, the linesman took it personally and for the first time all match, the ref listened to his assistant and produced a yellow. A yellow card was soon to follow for ‘rocket’ Ronnie on the sideline after telling the same adolescent linesman that he was his father and he was going to turn out like him in a few years.

Cobham were getting desperate and were pushing for an equaliser but time was against them. Merrell had promoted himself to the attacking midfielder role and even Tucks, still sporting his Dennis Pennis ‘Strawberry Blonde’ haircut was getting forward to unleash a few daisy cutters at the Hamworthy goal. Unfortunately all this adventure in their play was to be Cobham’s ultimate downfall as Hamworthy then hit the home side on the break and doubled their advantage. In the end the Hammers just had a bit too much for Cobham and held on until the final whistle went to signify the end of the worst refereeing display in history.

On the plus side, Mawsey now knows how many games Cobham are unbeaten. Zero Chris, I think even you can count that high!

* This included a pasty from the sideline that he managed to consume in one.

Team: Tramp, Cotton, Pieman, Shank, Gunny, Tim Cobham, Merrell, Alfie, Pennis, Tempany (P.Mitchell 10), G.Mitchell

Unused Subs: Chav 1, Chav 2.

CJ is fast becoming Public enemy No. 1 - but hey one day he has to start playing again and we can all laugh at him!!!!!!

With the one man Mawer demolition of Swanage slowly disappearing into DPL folklore, the daunting task of a trip to he Avenue was next for G-Unit and his rejuvinated Cobham side to tackle the might of Dorchester Town Reserves.
As per usual, there were more than a few changes to the starting XI. The 'biggest' one was perhaps that of Chapman in goal due to an absent Higgy. There were a few theories as to why Chapman was picked to go between the sticks, one was that G picked him as his frame would fill a large percentage of the goal mouth and therefore restricting the area the Dorch attackers had to aim at. The second was that everyone drew straws but Sam was too slow to get a chance to pick a straw so was left with the default short straw, a 3rd was that G couldn't bring himself to dropping his number one 'managerial decision making supporter' from the side completly and so accomodated him. Finally and most ludicrously, that Sam is a proven goalie at this level and is more than capable of holding his own if not any crosses!
Dan Payne missed the trip to Dorchester as he joins CJ on the knee injury list, and with Goodbodys suspension finally starting, Nick Tempany made a rare start alongside 18 goal Mawer. The was also a recall for club captain Merrell as he managed to get off his piles ring long enough to run around. Vukcevic also returned at left wing back with Alfie moving into the centre. The defence was back to full strength with the now Ginger Tucker and Cotton accompanying Allen the sweeper. On the bench was Robbie Cooke and G in a vain attempt to re-kindle his playing days, but with Mozza on the bench for Dorchester there was still hope for him.
The match startd as expected with the youthful Dorchester side applying the pressure and there was a few early touches for the stand-in keeper who flapped at more than one or two crosses but his frame and sheer blind luck saved his blushes. But most of the threat was nullified by the rock solid midfield, the athletic wing back, the awesome defence and Gunny. Then, as in recent weeks, Cob startd to express themselves, and also as in recent weeks, most of the joy came from the intricate passing in the midfield and the hard work, tireless running and trickery of Gunn down the right. It was from the midfield play that the first chance emerged after 20 minutes. A poor cross was made difficult by Chapman who eventually got the ball under control and rolled it out to Allen. He took his time and picked a pass into the midfield and it was first time knocked out wide to the asylam seeker Vukcevic, he in turn played a long ball down the line for Tempany to give chase. He pressured the defender into a mistake and robbed him of the ball. He slipped it into Mawer on the edge of the box with only one defender to beat and the youngster showed great awareness to spot the hairy, pot-bellied dwarved Gunn to his right and slipped it straight into the veterans path who took one touch and then let fly. With the keeper only able to watch, the ball whizzed past him and struck the bar. Dorchester knew they were in for a match.
Cobham were dominating and were forcing Dorchester to play like the away side - on the counter attack. Critchell was being his usual whiney self in midfield and faced against 2 more athletic, younger opposites, only the knowledge he still had the legs on Mezza could've given him respite, but regardless, he was not having a good day. Until that is, the 35th minute. The ball had dropped to a striker in the box and forced Chapman into action who despite being nutmegged luckily his cellulite ion the way and deflected the ball out for a corner. The corner was floated in and it dropped to the moaning git Critchell who made no mistake and gave Chapman no chance of claiming a clean sheet bonus as the ball was volleyed ino the top corner - 1-0 and to say it was against the run of play was almost as big a understatemet as saying Mezza lacks a few yards of pace. Cobham tried to hit back straight away but Mawers efforts lacked the desired power to test the lanky streak of piss in the Dorchester goal.
Half Time - 1-0
The second half kicked off and Cobham were still in the changing room as poor marking and now uncharachteristic bad defending gifted the home side a few early half chances that Chapman dealt with well with a series of saves. Also, having learnt from the first half,(bad geek joke coming up . . . ) Chapman was less and less like Dracula as he punched crosses instead of attempting to catch them.

Sure enough, as the half wore on Cobham came back into it and applied some pressure of thier own. Then at last, an equalizer. With slow and methodical build up play (with Mez about, is there any other type) The ball was played out to the left wing to Scott who tried to play a 1-2 with his captain but Merrells co-ordination let him down and instead the ball ricocheted off of his shin pad and flew into the bottom right corner. 1-1 The team, the stand and the bench went wild. Cobham were back on level terms and there was plenty of time left to grab a winner.

Not wanting to let the high flyers settle, Cobham went for the win in a venue where theyve not endured the greatest success in recent times with the last trip ending in a 7-1 hammering after going 1 up. Incidentally, Merrell scored that day as well. Cobham pressed and pressed and could've had a second had Mawer and Law let others join in their game instead of passing it between themselves for about 5 minutes. Had one of them looked up they would surely seen the inspirational couple of Merrell and Gunn screaming for the switch ball as it would've created a 2 man overlap and although either would've probably missed, they may have been able to create something for someone else to score. This is how the game remained, it looked destined for a draw. there was however, one last opportunity for Cobham . . . .

Being caught in possession on the halfway line is never good but it's what the Dorchester defender did. The ball was then threaded through to Law who breached the Dorch back line and raced toward goal. He was one on one with thier keeper, last minute, could it be a fairy tale ending???

No is the simple answer, the shot from Law, 10 yards out left his left boot and started to rise, it just kept going, up and up - like the great glass elevator, nobody knew when, if ever it would come down, it was the worst attempt at scoring since Richie Penn in Jersey.

Final whistle then blew - probably a fair result considering Cobham had an immobile and immovable object in goal.

1-1

A Charles Dickens story at the Stad – A Tale of Two Penalties

There was a well-deserved week off for the first team following the triumphant visit to Gillingham. A week of rest, a week of reflection, for a trip to the races perhaps, an opportunity for Si to top up his tan or for Chapman to come up with more brown nose comments to ensure he gets a starting place. That week came and went and sure enough along came Westlands to the Stad, high flying and looking to maintain their top 6 spot.
Yet again there were some changes to the Cobham side. The two most surprising being the exclusion of two of the most consistent performers of recent months, Tim Vukcevic and Simon Hallam, even with Tucks away revising at a library in North London there wasn’t even a place on the bench for the golden school teacher.
This meant that Rob Cotton came back in along side Chapman and Allen at the back, Scott Hole regained his place in the centre of midfield with Goodbody and Merrell, consequently pushing Jude Law out to left wing-back and Vucks onto the bench. There was also a first start in Cobham colours for Dan Payne after impressing when he came on against Gillingham.
The matched kicked off and within minutes, the Yeovil side were pressurising. Yet clear cut opportunities were cut to a minimum largely thanks to Allen’s Franz Beckenbaur like reading of the game, Cotton’s Bobby Moore like defending and Chapman’s Michelin Man like physique. As in previous weeks, Cobham looked dangerous on the break and on numerous occasions the probing runs of Gunn, Hole and Law just lacked the quality of the final ball to actually trouble the Westlands ‘keeper.
Then 35 minutes into an uneventful first half, the referee decided to liven things up a bit. A cross was floated into the Cobham box from the left wing and following the air-kick by the Westlands scrawny striker in which he landed on his rear end, the referee blew for a penalty, much to the bemusement of all on the pitch and all in the stands, but Westlands weren’t about to look a gift horse in the mouth.
Up stepped the captain 1-0. He ran back to the half way line in celebration – he was alone. This was because everyone else had heard the referee blow for a re-take as half the Westlands team were in front of the taker as he struck the ball. Not to worry though, there’s one in every team, Cobham have Mawer, it’s just Westlands have the misfortune of having made their village idiot their skipper. With egg very much on his West Country face he trudged all the way back to the Cobham box to re-take it. He placed it into the other side of the net and the score in fact remained 1-0 this time. Goodbody even picked up a booking in the following fracas trying to explain to the simpletons from out west why the penalty had to be re-taken – apparently there is more than one in the Westlands side.
This seemed to spark the home side into life and immediately applied the pressure with some intricate one touch passing through the midfield which eventually led to Captain Carthorse feeding Gunnsy the 8th Dwarf down the right hand side. His delightful cross was delicately controlled by Mawer, who turned two defenders and forced a decent save from the visiting ‘keeper. Half Time.
1-0.
Cobham started the second half with a point to prove, they’d beaten the team 4th in the league away from home on their last outing and weren’t going to let this weak Westlands side undo all off G’s hard fought cone laying out. Goodbody had a few pot shots that went close, and a few crosses that were closer to the top corner than anyone in a Cobham shirt. Mawer had a few efforts that lacked power, Westlands were on the defensive. Then it happened; Chapman took the bull by the horns, he wanted in on the action. He gathered up all remaining energy and in the 60th minute set off from half way to add weight to the attack, by the 64th minute he’d reached the edge of the box when the ball was pulled back to him following a corner, he saw his name in lights. As the ball dropped, so did everyone’s jaw as they saw him take a swing. He then unleashed what can only be described as the softest daisy cutter of the season as his feeble attempt went predictably slow and wide. Cobham’s main concern now was whether or not he could get back in time before Westlands launched an attack, after all there was only 25 minutes left!
A few moments later Cobham pulled level with yet another mystery penalty decision. Gunn played the ball down the line to Goodbody’s feet who whipped in a first time cross to Mawer who was briefly touched by the centre back as he leapt for the ball. No appeal from anyone but yet again, penalty.
Not wanting to be out done by his younger, fitter opposite number Merrell picked up the ball and drilled the ball home from the spot with pin point accuracy into the bottom left corner of the net just out of the reach of the despairing dive of the goalie. 1-1. And more impressively – a cleanly struck penalty form the Cobham skipper. Although Cobham kept the heat on the Westlands goal they never really did enough to win it. And short of a few glaring misses from Mawer and once or twice where their top scorer chose to shoot from an incredibly acute angle instead of pulling it back to Payne, didn’t look like capitalising on all their dominance. Westlands however do deserve some credit as they forced Higgy into his first save since the 3-1 reverse to Ham Rec on his debut.
Final Score1-1

Hallam test his new tan up against the orange of the Gill shirts!!!!!!!

After Higgy’s juggling act in the last minute cost Cobham a well earned, well deserved and well overdue win, revenge was on the cards as the Merley Park outfit travelled with width of the county to the deep, dark, dank depths of Gillingham for the return trip 7 days later. Again the team was all change with Matty Allen, Rob Cotton and Scott Hole’s absence meaning an instant re-call for the returning Chapman complete with new ‘Mawsey’ hair cut and also for Si Hallam, complete with fake tan glow. Robbie Cooke also made a cameo as he managed to get out from under the thumb for long enough for a rare appearance in a Cobham shirt. Gillingham seemed to have ringed the changes as well due to injury, rested players returning and Loic being in France.
The pitch was in fantastic shape for a bog. The wings were ok but the centre of the pitch resembled the Cobham training pitch as opposed to the top of the Combination pitch, but never the less the match kicked off. Cobham were shooting up the hill in the first half and from the whistle took the game to their carrot crunching 6-fingered counterparts. Confidence was oozing, Tucker went on a steam-rolling run from the back and gained 60 yards before being tackled. Gunn flying down the wing was showing flashes of brilliance and trickery that earned him his big money move to Cobham and with Cooke’s bustling energy in the middle of the park Cobham looked in mighty good form. On one occasion, Gunn dragged his ever-expanding beer gut past his marker, then cut inside and ran at goal, evading challenge after challenge on the way. He got to the edge of the box and let fly, the ball sailing toward the roof of the net when the keeper dived across his goal parrying it over for a corner. Cobham on top, without Loic they were nothing, just a mere rabbit caught in the headlights of the onrushing Cobham car and were about to be demolished. Cooke in the midfield was flying into tackles with purpose and desire, Merrell energetic as ever covering every blade of grass and tackling anything orange that moved (at one point, Si was more worried about this than anyone in a Gill shirt).
As for an attacking threat, they weren’t one. Chapman had his pipe and slippers out on his return to action with Tucker and Hallam looking comfortable and assured with their be-atches being marked into oblivion. Time after time Goodbody, Mawer, Gunn or Vukcevic breached the back line of Gillingham and only a lack of a quality delivery or shot prevented Cobham from taking the lead. Then, finally, it happened. Merrell played the ball over the defence, up the slope and unto the channel; Goodbody gave chase. The defender tried in vain to keep him at bay but couldn’t so reverted to malice. He grappled him to the ground in a move that would look more at home in a square wrestling ring than at Gillingham. Penalty was the shout . . .. penalty was the referees interpretation as well. Confidently, Merrell collected the ball and strolled to the spot. Placed the ball on the spot and the proceeded to strike the top of the ball with no real pace, no real direction, luckily for the Cobham skipper, the keeper had dived out of the way. He was only able to watch agonisingly as the ball slowly trickled over the line and nestled in the back of the net. 1-0!! Gillingham fans true to form muttered something in farmer but could only watch as the Cobham boys celebrated a deserved goal.
Gillingham tried to push on for the remainder of the half but Hallam, Tucker and Mawer, sorry, Chapman stood firm (insert own joke about Chapman being an immovable object here . . . . . . . .)

Half time – 1-0 and deservedly so.

Be wary of a Gill side shooting up the slope was the rallying cry as the sides took to the field to kick off the second half. Before long Gill were on top yet despite their persistent long balls to hold up in the corners still failed to be a test for Higgy in any way, shape or form. With Jude ‘Alfie’ Law offering himself as a willing runner for the counter attack Cobham still looked dangerous on the break. Then it happened, the mistake, the one a game guaranteed error that will occur in the Cobham defence. An innocuous enough looking ball wasn’t dealt with by Cooke or Hallam and the ball found it’s way to the left winger who whipped in a terrific cross which was meet in equal quality by the striker at the far post. 1-1 That was that, despite the obvious disappointment of conceding, that goal seemed to really spark Cobham into life. Time and time again a through ball penetrated their rear-line and time and time again Freddie Starr who was running the line flagged for offside. Then the impressive Law made a decision, to run at them, picking the ball up inside his on half he set off. He beat his first challenge as he advanced over the half way line. By knocking it long he beat the final defender for pace and was all set to head for goal, when inexplicably for no reason conceivable to man, other than sheer stupidity/incompetence up went Freddie’s flag again. The ref bought proceedings to a halt for offside much to the dismay of the Cobham side and to the sheer amusement of everyone else as they rolled around laughing. This was it, this was when G made his first substitution, Paine on for Cooke. Goodbody dropped into midfield so that Paine could re-forge his partnership with Chapman up top.
This change soon paid dividends as Paine made his way to goal one on one with the keeper. A good effort forced a good save from the goalie but the rebound fell to the on-rushing Mawer who coolly skipped around the grounded keeper to roll the ball into an empty net for his first goal in 4 games. 2-1 Cobham were dominating. Could this really be the same side that had conceded 3 at home to Cranborne? Playing with such passion, such desire and creativity the question wasn’t how could Cobham hold on, it was how many would Cobham score.
This fact was lost on Cobham’s Serbian wing-back, who in true Vukcevic style felt sorry for them and had a ‘funny-five’ where he seemed to do everything in his power to let Gillingham back into the match. Including giving the ball to their striker 6 yards from goal and also scything down the same striker from behind with a traditional striker’s tackle trying to give a stone wall penalty. Luckily a combination of Hallam, Merrell, Chapman and good luck prevented the striker in the first instance and another one of many baffling refereeing decisions saved his blushes the second time. This was the break Cobham required as from the loose ball after the penalty shout, the ball was fed up to Mawer who turned neatly and slipped a ball through for Goodbody to chase, which he did. Closer to the goal he got and then knocked the ball past the advancing keeper ready to tap into an empty net but instead was viciously wiped out by the Gillingham no. 1. This time Goodbody wanted revenge, having been taken out for both penalties, coupled with the fact that the skipper shanked the first penalty, Goodbody was to have this one. He stepped up, and put the ball powerfully in the opposite direction to the ‘keepers dive. 3-1! At the cow field end as well. Just as chants of ‘You’re staying in the Comb’ were beginning to echo from the Cobham bench Mawer went close with a powerful drive after a steam train-esque run.
This was all G could take, he wanted in on the action. He stripped off and took an age to do up his shin pads, then as he approached the touchline to gain the referees attention so he could enter the fray, the final whistle went much to the amusement of the Cobham bench.

3-1 what a result! Bring on the Borough next week.
Team: Higgins, Hallam, Tucker, Mawer, Vukcevic, Gunn, Merrell (c), Law, Cooke (Paine 72), Chapman

'When the seagulls follow the trailer' no not cantona, lois arrives at Stad de Cob

After the disappointment of the last minute defeat at the hands of the gits from the moor, it was the nice simple task of a double header against perennial high flyers Gillingham up next for Cobham, complete with returned jumped up Frenchman Loic. Unfortunately, a change of manager hasn’t signalled a change of fortunes for Cobham, with ‘G-Unit’ forced to make a change in the middle of the park. With Painer absent, Goodbody was pushed up top alongside Mawer and new signing Jim ‘Jude’ Law took his place in the middle for his debut.

Cobham raced out of the traps like Keith Jnr to Burger King and promptly pressurised the Gillingham side into conceding a number of throw-ins in threatening areas. However, as time went on, the longer the home side failed to convert their possession the more Gill started to come back into it. Some slack defending all round presented the first few chances to Gillingham’s European import who had efforts, blazed over, dragged wide and comfortably caught by Higson in the Cobham goal. Twenty minutes gone and things were evenly poised all over the pitch. Tempers did start to fray slightly with the usual poor refereeing decisions that left players from Cobham and Gill players alike very frustrated. Cobham had a few chances toward the end of the half, most notably when the ‘keeper played an audacious 1-2 with Chris Mawer. Apparently he knew exactly what he was doing from his defenders back pass as Mawer closed him down – others doubt it and think he is just a lucky b*stard, that’s how it stayed until half time. 0-0

The second half started with visitors on top. Despite their rapid start and quality of possession, Matty ‘Shank’ Allen, Paul ‘Tucks’ Tucker and Rob ‘Junior’ Cotton remained steadfast and restricted all shooting opportunities to a minimum with Higgy in the sticks remaining unchallenged. By now, the experience of the Cob side started to show and a few openings were created for the home side. Only poor finishing kept the scores level with the ever graceful in the face of old age Gunn the primary culprit, blasting over from the side of the box on a couple of occasions. Mawer was also guilty of not capitalising on defensive errors to edge Cobham into the lead.

In the midfield, Merrell, Law and Hole were dominating and pouncing like a crouched tiger onto each and every loose ball. Then, just as ‘G’ was preparing to enter the fray in an attempt to revive his Combination career the bit of luck Cobham had been waiting for all season prevented it. . . . Mawer darted into the box from the right and pulled the ball back to Goodbody 6 yards from goal who’s initial shot was parried by the ‘keeper. Although it was deflected into the path of the defender rushing back to assist who inadvertently re-directed the ball into the back of his own net. 1-0! The crowd was going wild! Stad de Cob was rocking!

With 20 minutes to go, Cobham were in the drivers seat and if the score was to change the wise money was on Cobham to extend their lead rather than Gillingham equalise. Time was ticking and for all the neutrals what a game it had been. The Gillingham ‘keeper was enjoying himself so much he even had the audacity to play another 1-2 with Mawer to get his kicks. The seconds slowly ebbed away and the points looked like they were staying at Merley Park. The suddenly, disaster struck. A fairly innocuous ball was played into the box and Higgy was day dreaming as he’d had so little to do all day and lost all hand-eye co-ordination. As he went to collect the ball, he missed. Like a trapped Albatross with the sight of freedom, he flapped wildly and the ball bounced of his saggu man breasts and into the path of the Gill striker who had to pick his jaw off the floor in disbelief before stroking the ball into an empty net. 1-1 with only 3 minutes left.

Despite all the domination, all the efforts on goal Cobham were level and with precious few minutes remaining a winner was elusive.

Final score 1-1

Team: Higson, Cotton/Raines, Allen, Tucker, Merrell, Hole, (I am the) Law, Vukcevic, Gunn, Mawer, Goodbody. Subs: G, Asbo, Temps

NB – Some of the lads offered to buy Higgy a pint to drown his sorrows in after the match. He declined fearing he would drop that as well and didn’t want an extensive bar bill for broken pint glasses.

Sports visit Borough

After the hustle and bustle of the transfer window in January, the managerial revolving door at Merley Park Road turned again with Keith Williams being fired. By many, he was likened to the Americans during WWII – no, not arriving late (Sandringham Park) and saving the day but overqualified, overweight and over here! But his Chapter in the Cob hot seat was brought to an end and Graeme (G) Trevett took the step up from Division 1 into the Combination to take charge – much to the despair of the disgruntled Corfe Mullen squad and board.
After good performances if not results in his first few matches at the helm Poole Borough away. The trip to Beirut was an important one. With all the recent transfers between the two clubs, relationships weren’t good. Both teams lined up with players who have had a stint at the opposition, with Simon ‘Sid’ Edwards lining up in the centre of midfield for Borough and Cobham starting with Stuart Merrell, Dan Moore and veteran Poole Borough record appearance holder Alex Gunn.
The weather resulted in very few games going ahead in the Combination so there was quite a crowd at Turlin Moor, a crowd which included, Craig ‘ Daisy’ Davidson, Richard ‘Pick me for the 1st team please boss’ Penn from the Cobham ranks. There was also a surprise appearance from the salmon jumper, being carried about by the ex-president Mr Brian Meddler himself.
As for the game itself, it started, as all local derbies do, very cagily. Borough, as ever passing the ball from ageing relic to ageing relic along their back four, and into the midfield but with only Dave Perry as an outlet upfront the Cobham defence coped with ease. This did however mean that there were men over in the middle, which meant that Mezza, Scott, Pete and the two wingbacks were being run ragged. This was shortly rectified and eased the early Borough pressure for a while.
After the first 15 mins, Cobham started to come back into it. The positive points were coming from Scott Hole and Gunnsey on his return to his stamping ground. Still no goal scoring opportunities though despite a delightful nutmeg by Gunnsey on their German import. Even with new signing Dan Paine running up front, with Chris Mawer not looking his usual self, opportunities to test the Borough ‘keeper were scarce. Unfortunately, it was from a rare Cobham venture into the home sides’ box that the Turlin Moor outfit went ahead. The move broke down which left a lot of the Cob players upfield and their defence exposed. A long run from Perry saw the ball switched wide to Sid and after getting into the corner, pulled the ball back to the edge of the box and a waiting Andy Barham who gracefully drilled the ball into the roof of the net. 1-0 This is how the score line stayed until the referee blew up for halftime. Despite all the effort and hard work from Cobham, they went in one down and could rightfully feel aggrieved at being so.
The second half was only 5 seconds old when Goodbody flew in on Barham and stood on his toe, needless to say the BTC from Poole whinged like spoilt 5 year old at xmas and received some treatment. The tackle must’ve really hurt, as Barham was ineffective for the rest of the match – the big girl. The second half was all Cobham, with Gunn and Vucke . . Vukev . . .Vucev . . Tim tirelessly running down the wings, and Merrell’s Carrick like passing in the middle. Coupled with the battling of Hole and Goodbody, Cobham, for once, looked like a well-oiled machine as they played with the confidence that the previous manager had managed to disperse. The first proper chance of the half fell to Hole after a lightning run down the left by Paine.
He sprung the offside trap and easily accelerated away from the lethargic efforts of White and co to get back. As he entered the box, he looked up to see Hole waiting on the edge of the box. The ball was pulled back and as Scott went to pull the trigger, with the whole of the Cobham willing it to sail into the net, it hit a bullet hole and bobbled over his foot. Just as Scott was going to collect his leg from the astro-turf, it landed at Gunn’s feet, but his effort from his cobweb leg just sailed wide.
After another break from the left, the ball found it’s way to Mawer who took his turn to take aim, but the youngster who’s been setting the world alight at Cobham this season blazed over from 12yards. Cobham were definitely on top, Higgy in the Cobham goal hadn’t had a touch since picking the ball out of his net about an hour ago. Then, came the inspired substitutions, Dan Moore made his return in place of the tired but still running Vukcevic, and the luckless Mawer was replaced by Temps. Within 5 minutes of his introduction, Moore had created the equaliser. As he whipped in the inswinging corner, the hapless defender on the near post headed it into the roof of his own net. Own goal!! Finally a bit of luck! 1-1.
With only 10 minutes left, Cobham were pushing for a winner. So much so that they were nearly caught on the break again. Only a last gasp trip my Dan Moore prevented their winger racing clear. A blatant professional foul, deserving of a red card, but bizarrely, no card shown. Borough however did have a free kick 25yards from goal. With the seconds slowly ticking away, all Cobham hearts were in Cobham mouths as the striker stepped up. He connected cleanly and bent the ball into the top left hand side of the goal, disaster 2-1. There were mere seconds left in the match. Despite a string of late corners, where 21 of the 22 players on the pitch were in the Poole area, but to no avail. A gallant display but still ended in a gutting defeat. 2-1 to the Borough – gits.

Defences on top in dull, uneventful, goal-shy match at the Stad!

After the long festive period, the visit of Dorchester United to Stad de Cob signified the first home game of 2006. It was also the 3rd time the sides had met since the start of the season with the Sandringham side coming out on top in both of the previous meetings by a single goal.


A New Year however didn’t mean a change of luck for Cobham as absentees meant yet another change of personnel. The starting line-up was almost unrecognisable from the side that took a late point against basement boys Wareham. 2006 also signalled a change of system with Keith reverting back to 4-4-2 from the 3-5-2 of recent weeks. Stand-in skipper Matty Allen moved to the right back spot as the returning Chapman re-claimed his place alongside the Antique Hallam. Ever impressive Robbie Cotton pushed into left back. 3 of the midfield from the previous week retained their place with Dan Moore on the left, goal scoring, point saving hero Goodbody in the centre with his continental companion Riad. Robbie Cooke’s absence meant Gunnsey got an opportunity to show his skills off down the right flank. The forward line remained unchanged with Captain Caveman Campbell and Mawer forging a formidable partnership. The bench saw a return to the first team set up for Keith Jnr as well as Wayne Smith. Paul Tucker also recalled from the previous week made his first start for the club from the Judy.


From kick off it was evident that Cobham were up for this – to start 2006’s home campaign with 3 points and it showed. Balls being pinged from the right boot of Allen and Chapman and the throw of Cotton over the full backs’ heads for Moore and Gunnsey to chase. It was from one of Allen’s raking passes that Cobham took the lead. Gunnsey gave chase but had his cross cut out, the ball bouncing along fell to Goodbody 25 yards from goal – he then swung a speculative straight-legged left foot at it only to see it fly into the top corner with the keeper stranded. 1-0 after 3 minutes of play – a great start; could they hold it? No, was the answer. A few moments later, a jinking run from their midfielder put him in the 6 yard box without breaking a sweat. He promptly pulled the ball back to the on-rushing striker who gladly stroked past the keeper to level things up. 8 minutes gone – 1-1. This sparked the Merley Park outfit into life. After some fancy footwork from the nipper Mawer he set off toward goal only to be upended upon his approach to the box. Up stepped Goodbody again and put a postage stamp on the ball as he placed it for the free-kick. As when it left his boot, it was only going one place and that was the top corner, so much so it rattled in the stansion before nestling in the back of the net; again the keeper was rooted! 2-1


3-1 was soon to follow after a surging run from Allen,, who’s whipped ball in was headed clear by the defender at the near post, only to fall to Moore on the run who took in past his marker and slotted it into the net past the keeper. Top scorer and young whippersnapper Chris Mawer was soon to get in on the goal scoring action as well. It came from another probing gallop forward from the right back. Gunnsey was screaming for it inside him but the skipper took the sensible option and missed out the diminutive slap-headed veteran and planted the cross straight onto Mawer’s head who it turn, glanced it into the net. 4-1 and the Stad de Cob was going wild! 4-1 was how it stayed for about twenty minutes until Dorchester hit back. The Cobham defence (not for the first time this season) went A.W.O.L and the ball was slipped into the path of their striker who kept his nerve in a one on one situation to nutmeg the keeper 4-2. There were 10 minutes to go to half time and the match was end to end. It was Cobham however who got the next goal to surely put it beyond the reach of United. Again it started with good work from the midfield. The ball was played into the box and ricocheted into the path of Moore who promptly tucked it away with his right foot to make it 5-2. Then disaster struck, Chapman, back to his influential best had to come off with a twisted ankle and was replaced by Wayne Smith. As the seconds ticked away, the players and fans alike were waiting for the half time whistle to go to signal a break in the high-tempo Dorset Premier League action. Everyone was after a deserved cup of tea and also to catch their breath. However the ball was to be in the back of the Cob net once more before the whistle went. A needless free kick was given some 25 yards from goal and the taker planted the ball into the top corner, the keeper got a hand to it but not enough to prevent it from finding the net. 5-3. No sooner had Cob kicked off, the whistle when for the break; what a whirlwind first 45!
The second half continued in much the same vein as the first with an early goal. Early pressure from the Dorchester side seemed to have Cobham on the back foot from the kick off. And even after a few top drawer saves by the stand-in Cob keeper the persistence of United finally paid off with a 4th goal, no less than their play, coupled with the slack Cobham defending warranted. 5-4. This was how it stayed for the majority of the second period. With Dorchester having all the play, all the possession and all the efforts on goal. The ‘keeper was in fine form to keep out several close range efforts and at full stretch to tip over a rasping drive from the edge of the box. On the two occasions that the keeper was beaten, the post came to the rescue once and also, against all laws of physics, one effort managed to bend in the goal, then out again and across the pitch for a throw in!! Dorchester were all over Cobham, with Hallam, Allen and co resisting all that was thrown at them and the ‘keeper pulling off save after save after save. Although he showed some good touches when he was bought on, even Tucker couldn’t prevent attack after attack upon the Cobham goal. Keith Jnr was then bought on for the impressive Riad to add a ‘bit’ of beef to the midfield. Would Cobham hang on?? Could they hang on?? More importantly could Keith Jr last the remaining 15 mins without eating?! All would be revealed.

Cobham were reduced to 10 men after a flurry of yellow cards in a short space of time resulted in 2 yellows and a 7 day ban for Goodbody after frustration got the better of him. The goon with sideburns for Dorchester dispossessed him in the bottom corner and in a poor attempt to regain the ball ended in a two-footed flying lunge at Screech’s ankle. With little choice, the referee produced a second yellow for a tackle that could have easily warranted a straight red. With the 90th minute rapidly approaching, Dorchester were camped in their opponents half desperate to equalise, then it finally happened, all the brave saves and last ditch tackles were officially nullified as a fifth was tucked home from short range. Jubilation for the visitors, despair for the hosts. 5-5 from 5-2 down!! A comeback of magnificent proportions! 3 mins left and they were back from the dead – outstanding, however, there would be one last twist in this tale. . . .

With literally seconds left on the clock, Mawer latched onto a hopeful punt upfield/clearance. With the bald headed ‘Nigel’ in hot pursuit, the youth teamer took the bouncing ball early and drove it at the goal where the keeper parried the ball skywards. The momentum produced from the sheer power of the shot took the ball closer to the goal. By this time the defender had recovered the lost ground and was standing under the projected landing spot of the ball, Mawer was soon to follow; then the wait. The wait for the ball to drop, the wait to see if all the second half Dorchester effort had been in vain, the wait to see the aerial battle of youth vs experience. Both players’ 10 yards from a gaping goal, an eerie hush fell over the Stad, all that could be heard was the whinging from old man Penn about being dropped. Then both players leapt to the air in a battle to head the ball, with the crowd looking on in disbelief as Mawer rose like a salmon to nod the ball into the net. 6-5!! Would you Adam and Eve it! Stad de Cob went wild, joy for everyone Cobham (except Rich who was still moaning) The Dorchester player dropped to their knees in imminent defeat. Sure enough that was it, as soon as the ball was played from the kick off, the referee’s whistle went to confirm that Cobham were the winners! Hard on Dorchester who had deserved something from their second half performance alone but that’s what you get for having 6 fingers and 13 brothers I guess!

Cobham had indeed made an unbeaten start to 2006 and started with a 100% record at home. Relief all round! Matty Allen is also an unbeaten captain! Well done lads.

Team: Mckensie, Allen (C), Chapman (Smith 35), Hallam, Cotton, Gunn, Riad (Keith Jr 78), Goodbody, Moore X-factor please, Mawer, Cavey-Wavey (Tucker 70)