A Charles Dickens story at the Stad – A Tale of Two Penalties

There was a well-deserved week off for the first team following the triumphant visit to Gillingham. A week of rest, a week of reflection, for a trip to the races perhaps, an opportunity for Si to top up his tan or for Chapman to come up with more brown nose comments to ensure he gets a starting place. That week came and went and sure enough along came Westlands to the Stad, high flying and looking to maintain their top 6 spot.
Yet again there were some changes to the Cobham side. The two most surprising being the exclusion of two of the most consistent performers of recent months, Tim Vukcevic and Simon Hallam, even with Tucks away revising at a library in North London there wasn’t even a place on the bench for the golden school teacher.
This meant that Rob Cotton came back in along side Chapman and Allen at the back, Scott Hole regained his place in the centre of midfield with Goodbody and Merrell, consequently pushing Jude Law out to left wing-back and Vucks onto the bench. There was also a first start in Cobham colours for Dan Payne after impressing when he came on against Gillingham.
The matched kicked off and within minutes, the Yeovil side were pressurising. Yet clear cut opportunities were cut to a minimum largely thanks to Allen’s Franz Beckenbaur like reading of the game, Cotton’s Bobby Moore like defending and Chapman’s Michelin Man like physique. As in previous weeks, Cobham looked dangerous on the break and on numerous occasions the probing runs of Gunn, Hole and Law just lacked the quality of the final ball to actually trouble the Westlands ‘keeper.
Then 35 minutes into an uneventful first half, the referee decided to liven things up a bit. A cross was floated into the Cobham box from the left wing and following the air-kick by the Westlands scrawny striker in which he landed on his rear end, the referee blew for a penalty, much to the bemusement of all on the pitch and all in the stands, but Westlands weren’t about to look a gift horse in the mouth.
Up stepped the captain 1-0. He ran back to the half way line in celebration – he was alone. This was because everyone else had heard the referee blow for a re-take as half the Westlands team were in front of the taker as he struck the ball. Not to worry though, there’s one in every team, Cobham have Mawer, it’s just Westlands have the misfortune of having made their village idiot their skipper. With egg very much on his West Country face he trudged all the way back to the Cobham box to re-take it. He placed it into the other side of the net and the score in fact remained 1-0 this time. Goodbody even picked up a booking in the following fracas trying to explain to the simpletons from out west why the penalty had to be re-taken – apparently there is more than one in the Westlands side.
This seemed to spark the home side into life and immediately applied the pressure with some intricate one touch passing through the midfield which eventually led to Captain Carthorse feeding Gunnsy the 8th Dwarf down the right hand side. His delightful cross was delicately controlled by Mawer, who turned two defenders and forced a decent save from the visiting ‘keeper. Half Time.
1-0.
Cobham started the second half with a point to prove, they’d beaten the team 4th in the league away from home on their last outing and weren’t going to let this weak Westlands side undo all off G’s hard fought cone laying out. Goodbody had a few pot shots that went close, and a few crosses that were closer to the top corner than anyone in a Cobham shirt. Mawer had a few efforts that lacked power, Westlands were on the defensive. Then it happened; Chapman took the bull by the horns, he wanted in on the action. He gathered up all remaining energy and in the 60th minute set off from half way to add weight to the attack, by the 64th minute he’d reached the edge of the box when the ball was pulled back to him following a corner, he saw his name in lights. As the ball dropped, so did everyone’s jaw as they saw him take a swing. He then unleashed what can only be described as the softest daisy cutter of the season as his feeble attempt went predictably slow and wide. Cobham’s main concern now was whether or not he could get back in time before Westlands launched an attack, after all there was only 25 minutes left!
A few moments later Cobham pulled level with yet another mystery penalty decision. Gunn played the ball down the line to Goodbody’s feet who whipped in a first time cross to Mawer who was briefly touched by the centre back as he leapt for the ball. No appeal from anyone but yet again, penalty.
Not wanting to be out done by his younger, fitter opposite number Merrell picked up the ball and drilled the ball home from the spot with pin point accuracy into the bottom left corner of the net just out of the reach of the despairing dive of the goalie. 1-1. And more impressively – a cleanly struck penalty form the Cobham skipper. Although Cobham kept the heat on the Westlands goal they never really did enough to win it. And short of a few glaring misses from Mawer and once or twice where their top scorer chose to shoot from an incredibly acute angle instead of pulling it back to Payne, didn’t look like capitalising on all their dominance. Westlands however do deserve some credit as they forced Higgy into his first save since the 3-1 reverse to Ham Rec on his debut.
Final Score1-1

Hallam test his new tan up against the orange of the Gill shirts!!!!!!!

After Higgy’s juggling act in the last minute cost Cobham a well earned, well deserved and well overdue win, revenge was on the cards as the Merley Park outfit travelled with width of the county to the deep, dark, dank depths of Gillingham for the return trip 7 days later. Again the team was all change with Matty Allen, Rob Cotton and Scott Hole’s absence meaning an instant re-call for the returning Chapman complete with new ‘Mawsey’ hair cut and also for Si Hallam, complete with fake tan glow. Robbie Cooke also made a cameo as he managed to get out from under the thumb for long enough for a rare appearance in a Cobham shirt. Gillingham seemed to have ringed the changes as well due to injury, rested players returning and Loic being in France.
The pitch was in fantastic shape for a bog. The wings were ok but the centre of the pitch resembled the Cobham training pitch as opposed to the top of the Combination pitch, but never the less the match kicked off. Cobham were shooting up the hill in the first half and from the whistle took the game to their carrot crunching 6-fingered counterparts. Confidence was oozing, Tucker went on a steam-rolling run from the back and gained 60 yards before being tackled. Gunn flying down the wing was showing flashes of brilliance and trickery that earned him his big money move to Cobham and with Cooke’s bustling energy in the middle of the park Cobham looked in mighty good form. On one occasion, Gunn dragged his ever-expanding beer gut past his marker, then cut inside and ran at goal, evading challenge after challenge on the way. He got to the edge of the box and let fly, the ball sailing toward the roof of the net when the keeper dived across his goal parrying it over for a corner. Cobham on top, without Loic they were nothing, just a mere rabbit caught in the headlights of the onrushing Cobham car and were about to be demolished. Cooke in the midfield was flying into tackles with purpose and desire, Merrell energetic as ever covering every blade of grass and tackling anything orange that moved (at one point, Si was more worried about this than anyone in a Gill shirt).
As for an attacking threat, they weren’t one. Chapman had his pipe and slippers out on his return to action with Tucker and Hallam looking comfortable and assured with their be-atches being marked into oblivion. Time after time Goodbody, Mawer, Gunn or Vukcevic breached the back line of Gillingham and only a lack of a quality delivery or shot prevented Cobham from taking the lead. Then, finally, it happened. Merrell played the ball over the defence, up the slope and unto the channel; Goodbody gave chase. The defender tried in vain to keep him at bay but couldn’t so reverted to malice. He grappled him to the ground in a move that would look more at home in a square wrestling ring than at Gillingham. Penalty was the shout . . .. penalty was the referees interpretation as well. Confidently, Merrell collected the ball and strolled to the spot. Placed the ball on the spot and the proceeded to strike the top of the ball with no real pace, no real direction, luckily for the Cobham skipper, the keeper had dived out of the way. He was only able to watch agonisingly as the ball slowly trickled over the line and nestled in the back of the net. 1-0!! Gillingham fans true to form muttered something in farmer but could only watch as the Cobham boys celebrated a deserved goal.
Gillingham tried to push on for the remainder of the half but Hallam, Tucker and Mawer, sorry, Chapman stood firm (insert own joke about Chapman being an immovable object here . . . . . . . .)

Half time – 1-0 and deservedly so.

Be wary of a Gill side shooting up the slope was the rallying cry as the sides took to the field to kick off the second half. Before long Gill were on top yet despite their persistent long balls to hold up in the corners still failed to be a test for Higgy in any way, shape or form. With Jude ‘Alfie’ Law offering himself as a willing runner for the counter attack Cobham still looked dangerous on the break. Then it happened, the mistake, the one a game guaranteed error that will occur in the Cobham defence. An innocuous enough looking ball wasn’t dealt with by Cooke or Hallam and the ball found it’s way to the left winger who whipped in a terrific cross which was meet in equal quality by the striker at the far post. 1-1 That was that, despite the obvious disappointment of conceding, that goal seemed to really spark Cobham into life. Time and time again a through ball penetrated their rear-line and time and time again Freddie Starr who was running the line flagged for offside. Then the impressive Law made a decision, to run at them, picking the ball up inside his on half he set off. He beat his first challenge as he advanced over the half way line. By knocking it long he beat the final defender for pace and was all set to head for goal, when inexplicably for no reason conceivable to man, other than sheer stupidity/incompetence up went Freddie’s flag again. The ref bought proceedings to a halt for offside much to the dismay of the Cobham side and to the sheer amusement of everyone else as they rolled around laughing. This was it, this was when G made his first substitution, Paine on for Cooke. Goodbody dropped into midfield so that Paine could re-forge his partnership with Chapman up top.
This change soon paid dividends as Paine made his way to goal one on one with the keeper. A good effort forced a good save from the goalie but the rebound fell to the on-rushing Mawer who coolly skipped around the grounded keeper to roll the ball into an empty net for his first goal in 4 games. 2-1 Cobham were dominating. Could this really be the same side that had conceded 3 at home to Cranborne? Playing with such passion, such desire and creativity the question wasn’t how could Cobham hold on, it was how many would Cobham score.
This fact was lost on Cobham’s Serbian wing-back, who in true Vukcevic style felt sorry for them and had a ‘funny-five’ where he seemed to do everything in his power to let Gillingham back into the match. Including giving the ball to their striker 6 yards from goal and also scything down the same striker from behind with a traditional striker’s tackle trying to give a stone wall penalty. Luckily a combination of Hallam, Merrell, Chapman and good luck prevented the striker in the first instance and another one of many baffling refereeing decisions saved his blushes the second time. This was the break Cobham required as from the loose ball after the penalty shout, the ball was fed up to Mawer who turned neatly and slipped a ball through for Goodbody to chase, which he did. Closer to the goal he got and then knocked the ball past the advancing keeper ready to tap into an empty net but instead was viciously wiped out by the Gillingham no. 1. This time Goodbody wanted revenge, having been taken out for both penalties, coupled with the fact that the skipper shanked the first penalty, Goodbody was to have this one. He stepped up, and put the ball powerfully in the opposite direction to the ‘keepers dive. 3-1! At the cow field end as well. Just as chants of ‘You’re staying in the Comb’ were beginning to echo from the Cobham bench Mawer went close with a powerful drive after a steam train-esque run.
This was all G could take, he wanted in on the action. He stripped off and took an age to do up his shin pads, then as he approached the touchline to gain the referees attention so he could enter the fray, the final whistle went much to the amusement of the Cobham bench.

3-1 what a result! Bring on the Borough next week.
Team: Higgins, Hallam, Tucker, Mawer, Vukcevic, Gunn, Merrell (c), Law, Cooke (Paine 72), Chapman

'When the seagulls follow the trailer' no not cantona, lois arrives at Stad de Cob

After the disappointment of the last minute defeat at the hands of the gits from the moor, it was the nice simple task of a double header against perennial high flyers Gillingham up next for Cobham, complete with returned jumped up Frenchman Loic. Unfortunately, a change of manager hasn’t signalled a change of fortunes for Cobham, with ‘G-Unit’ forced to make a change in the middle of the park. With Painer absent, Goodbody was pushed up top alongside Mawer and new signing Jim ‘Jude’ Law took his place in the middle for his debut.

Cobham raced out of the traps like Keith Jnr to Burger King and promptly pressurised the Gillingham side into conceding a number of throw-ins in threatening areas. However, as time went on, the longer the home side failed to convert their possession the more Gill started to come back into it. Some slack defending all round presented the first few chances to Gillingham’s European import who had efforts, blazed over, dragged wide and comfortably caught by Higson in the Cobham goal. Twenty minutes gone and things were evenly poised all over the pitch. Tempers did start to fray slightly with the usual poor refereeing decisions that left players from Cobham and Gill players alike very frustrated. Cobham had a few chances toward the end of the half, most notably when the ‘keeper played an audacious 1-2 with Chris Mawer. Apparently he knew exactly what he was doing from his defenders back pass as Mawer closed him down – others doubt it and think he is just a lucky b*stard, that’s how it stayed until half time. 0-0

The second half started with visitors on top. Despite their rapid start and quality of possession, Matty ‘Shank’ Allen, Paul ‘Tucks’ Tucker and Rob ‘Junior’ Cotton remained steadfast and restricted all shooting opportunities to a minimum with Higgy in the sticks remaining unchallenged. By now, the experience of the Cob side started to show and a few openings were created for the home side. Only poor finishing kept the scores level with the ever graceful in the face of old age Gunn the primary culprit, blasting over from the side of the box on a couple of occasions. Mawer was also guilty of not capitalising on defensive errors to edge Cobham into the lead.

In the midfield, Merrell, Law and Hole were dominating and pouncing like a crouched tiger onto each and every loose ball. Then, just as ‘G’ was preparing to enter the fray in an attempt to revive his Combination career the bit of luck Cobham had been waiting for all season prevented it. . . . Mawer darted into the box from the right and pulled the ball back to Goodbody 6 yards from goal who’s initial shot was parried by the ‘keeper. Although it was deflected into the path of the defender rushing back to assist who inadvertently re-directed the ball into the back of his own net. 1-0! The crowd was going wild! Stad de Cob was rocking!

With 20 minutes to go, Cobham were in the drivers seat and if the score was to change the wise money was on Cobham to extend their lead rather than Gillingham equalise. Time was ticking and for all the neutrals what a game it had been. The Gillingham ‘keeper was enjoying himself so much he even had the audacity to play another 1-2 with Mawer to get his kicks. The seconds slowly ebbed away and the points looked like they were staying at Merley Park. The suddenly, disaster struck. A fairly innocuous ball was played into the box and Higgy was day dreaming as he’d had so little to do all day and lost all hand-eye co-ordination. As he went to collect the ball, he missed. Like a trapped Albatross with the sight of freedom, he flapped wildly and the ball bounced of his saggu man breasts and into the path of the Gill striker who had to pick his jaw off the floor in disbelief before stroking the ball into an empty net. 1-1 with only 3 minutes left.

Despite all the domination, all the efforts on goal Cobham were level and with precious few minutes remaining a winner was elusive.

Final score 1-1

Team: Higson, Cotton/Raines, Allen, Tucker, Merrell, Hole, (I am the) Law, Vukcevic, Gunn, Mawer, Goodbody. Subs: G, Asbo, Temps

NB – Some of the lads offered to buy Higgy a pint to drown his sorrows in after the match. He declined fearing he would drop that as well and didn’t want an extensive bar bill for broken pint glasses.